Relative Boredom
by Mynxine
Summary: When the muses are away, randomness shall play....(One-shot)(RR!)


** Relative Boredom **   
_By: Mynxine _

T'was the day after Christmas,   
And a young author frowned,   
For someone had taken her inspiration,   
So all she could do was fool around... 

While 'The Skieth Who Stole Christmas'   
Slowly gathered dust,   
Poor, poor Mynxine tried   
Not to combust. 

Chapter One

  
In a galaxy far, far away, a man who was more machine than human revealed his parentage to his delirious, now one-handed son. The son, overcome by grief, leapt off the railing to his doom, his father watching but not really caring either way. 

But that's been done before. 

Chapter One

It was a dark and stormy night. 

Balmung of the Azure Sky, helper to the downtrodden and the n00btrodden, gazed out at the storm through clouded eyes. "A horrible night for a murder, eh chaps?" 

Kite blinked and looked around, confused. "What in gods...?" Dressed as a Southern Belle with a pretty red bonnet to boot, he squeaked and retrieved his hand from Balmungs'. Mia looked down at herself and wondered why she was dressed as a19th century style butler. Elk twiddled his glued-on mustache and only took a moment to glance down at his detective's cloak before pacing about in front of the fireplace. "You all know why I've gathered you here." 

"Not really." The twin blade turned to face the usually silent wavemaster. "Why am I in a dress?" The pleats in the crimson silky attire had barely fallen into place as he finished his sentence. 

"It looks nice on you." Mistral piped up, waving her gardening shears and peeking through the window. Thunder rolled outside. "This rain'll do wonders for your rose-gardens, Miss Kite." 

"Mistral, why are you a gardener?" 

"Lady Twinblade, Mistral has been your gardener for more than five years." Mia chimed in, speaking in a prim English accent. "Surely the mistress hasn't forgotten that the gardener was the one who found the dead body?" 

"What the hell is going on?" Kite continued to be dazed. 

Balmung continued to stare out the window, deciding to ignore the fact that he was shirtless. 

The author decided a Danielle Steel novel wouldn't be the best place for the .hack characters to populate. 

Chapter One

Call me Ishmael. 

Now dressed in a sailor's outfit, Kite began to feel the effects of being seasick. He wondered where the Victorian mansion had run off to. He grasped the railing of the side of the boat, glaring miserly out at the water. Something was amiss... 

"Yarr, we be searchin' for the White Whale!" Hopping about on a peg leg, an eye-patch adorning her head, BlackRose yanked Kite over, pointing out at the misty waters that lay ahead. "Ishmael, de ye see the miser'ble braggart?" 

"Not really-OH MY AURA." Balmung, ten times bigger than the mansion had been, floundered out of the water. 

He was shirtless. 

"Ah! There be the bugger now! Fedallah, man the harpoon!" 

"Aye!" Moonstone appeared out of nowhere and ran like a greedy child for the weapon of which to bring down the Godzilla-size Balmung with. Elk ran up to Kite; he was dressed as a cabin boy. "Shall I sing you a heart-wrenching gospel tune of life and loss?" 

Kite looked at him as if he had been asked to slit his throat. "What-" 

"Not now Pip, not now! We be slaughtering Moby Dick, the cur!" BlackRose put in brashly. 

"Oh, shall I sing _him_ a ditty, then?" 

The giant Balmung made awful noises, trying to sound like an angry whale. 

Never having read Moby Dick and only knowing of the cast of characters and the basic plot line, Mynxine thought she'd better just cut this storyline off, too. 

Chapter One

"Eggman! Give back that Chaos Emerald!" Elk pointed dramatically at Lios, who was wearing the oddest combination of a red shirt and pleather pants. As Elk gave his standard hero's spiel, his mouth moved in a way that would remind one of something elastic trying its best to speak. 

"Wuahaha!" Lios, on the other hand, looked as if he was perpetually holding his breath. The heels of his go-go boots clicked as he struck a pose. "You shall never get this Chaos Emerald, Sonic! For it is my destiny to rule the world!" The moderator held up a glowing albeit tiny purple gem. 

Kite watched this all from the sidelines, eying the white spiked gloves that had been added to his attire. "Eh?" The scenery happened to be on a commercial street, with a casino behind and a hotel in front. To the left of him were steps leading up to a train station; to his right were nameless and badly pixilated buildings. 

Mia, wearing a peppy red dress and a matching headband, did a little cheer. "Go get 'em, Sonic!" She was being so Anti-Mia, it was frightening. She gave a little immature giggle and latched herself onto Elk. "You're my hero!" 

"Ack! Amy, get off!" What? Elk looking annoyed from getting Mia's attention? Kite's mind boggled. What was going on? Why did everyone have completely different personalities and feelings towards one another? And why had he been wearing a dress? Why did everyone keep calling themselves by different names? 

Balmung, whose wings had turned into two foxtails, gave a star-studded sigh. "Sonic, you're the man!" He was still shirtless. 

Well, this was just disturbing. 

Chapter One

"Kite, hurry!" Balmung called behind him as Elk squeaked, spotting the Data Bug that lay ahead. Kite, glad to be back in the universe that he called home, caught up with his party-mates. "What's the problem?" 

"Headhunter data bug, dead ahead!" 

"I'm on it!" Already the bracelet began to unfurl itself, fanning out to receive the virus data the monster held within. He pointed his hand directly at the Headhunter, ignoring the machete it began to bring towards his head... 

Suddenly, the Data Bug groaned in defeat. Kite blinked as it began to discolor and disappear. "What?" 

"Hah! You're all fools!" A melodious voice rang out from the shadows. All heads turned to look at the source. 

Standing behind them, sliding her blade that hadn't even touched the monster back into its sheath was the most beautiful player anyone had ever set their eyes on. She had long gossamer strands of hair that went beautifully with her baby blue eyes and little to no clothes on. She was dressed as an Arabian belly dancer, though the sword seemed to take some of the mysticism out of it. The gold of the bikini top and skirt only added to her beauty; the skirt had long slits up the side that went up past her thighs. 

Could he have panted like a lecher he would have. Balmung ran up to the girl like a half-starved puppy. He took her hand in his and kissed it like a proper gentleman. "You, my lady, are in the presence of Balmung of the Azure Sky. Do you need any help? You were very bold, defeating our foe like that." 

The woman dropped his hand like a sack of wet kittens. "Get away from me! There's a line to bask in my presence! But now that you mention it, it was good of me to defeat that piddly little monster all by myself." 

"How did you defeat the Headhunter?" Elk managed to mutter to her, blushing like a fanboy. 

The woman blinked innocently. "I blew a kiss at it." She sauntered over to Elk and smiled. "You're cute. My name is Mary Sue. You may make out with me, if you so desire. But, you must save me when I get myself into horribly clichéd situations." 

Balmung looked crushed. "But-but-I'm Balmung of the Azure Sky!" 

"Be gone." She made a flippant gesture to the proud warrior. Kite, who had been relatively ignored through this entire ordeal, finally realized that Balmung was still shirtless. 

"Oh hell." 

"Don't speak such words in front of a lady!" Balmung snapped at Kite. He then turned his attention elsewhere, like Mary Sue's cleavage. Kite muttered to himself. 

The author began to gag. The authors' beta reader gave her tepid glares; she was an avid Balmung fan. 

Chapter One

"This has to be the worst thing you've ever written. You should be working on 'How the Skieth Stole Christmas'." Rielle, Mynxine's beta reader snapped, still feeling put out from the last attempt at a fanfic. 

"Oh, come off it." Mynxine mumbled, already heading back to her PlayStation 2 where Final Fantasy X-2 lay in waiting. The girl plopped in front of the small TV and spoke over her shoulder, "It's not my fault I have writers block." 

"I choose to blame you, though." 

"And I choose to blame Congress. We're all happy campers." 

"Why did you put Kite in a dress?" 

"Because he's a pansy." 

"Ah." 

Fin.   
  


_A/N: No, I don't know where this came from either. Please review! Oh, and my disclaimer's here too. _

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone from .hack or any of these situations excluding the Mary Sue scenario. Mary Sue is also mine. Sort of. 


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